Sex or Intimacy?

Question:

At the moment I am facing a challenge in my relationship with my partner, with regards to intimacy. Everything in our relationship seems to be running smoothly, we communicate, and both make an effort to co-operate intelligently, some times better than others.

The issue is with sex; we both seem to have lost interest, and we are not very intimate with each other. I don’t feel too concerned about it because I feel content with her and our relationship, but she keeps telling me that she thinks it is a problem, and that its not normal for couples not to feel like sex with each other. Is she just adhering to a social conditioning of what couples “should” be like? Or is my lack of need for sex the problem?

The way I feel about sex is, that I enjoy her company more than I enjoy having sex with her. I don’t feel I have any negative ideas towards sex. Physically even my sex drive is fine and I appreciate the beauty of a woman’s body. I’ve looked at it from the perspective of our sex life being a reflection of the rest of our relationship, and I cant see anything there, I’ve looked at it from the perspective of her representing the greater female ‘out there’ and still have no answers other than I can behave like a very self centered little boy, which my partner is not scared to point out to me.

What I do know is that one of my biggest shortcomings is a lack of self worth and I can see that this may be the source of the problem, but even though I am working with that the situation doesn’t change. Sex just doesn’t really interest me with anyone. Am I on the right track with my observations?

Your guidance is most appreciated 🙂

Answer:

You ask about your lack of interest in the sexual act. This is very normal for someone who is starting to search inwardly. Once we start to search inwardly ALL our attention turns from having been focused on that which is OUTSIDE of us to that which is WITHIN us. As such everything “out there” that used to appeal to us, including the sexual act, starts to lose its attraction as we turn more and more within. So from this perspective I do not believe you have any real challenge with sex as such. However, where I DO see that you have a challenge is in your relationship. What I am sensing is that although YOU are happy within your relationship, I wouldn’t be surprised if your partner has become bored with you and with the relationship. Please forgive me for being so straight forward, but this is what I sense.

So I would suggest that you and your partner sit down and have a heart to heart discussion about this. And I must warn you, that once you raise this subject you must not be surprised if your partner at first hotly denies that she has lost interest in the relationship. But what I am sensing is that your partner is under the misguided perception that it is YOU who has the problem! LOL! So I would say that she secretly longs for a relationship which is also very active sexually, but because she has lost interest in you sexually, she does not want to hurt your feelings by saying honestly what she feels and would like from a relationship.

Question:

Why is sex regarded as being a sin by so many in the Church? I know that I for one grew up feeling like a sinner because I wanted to have sex but then feeling bad for wanting it. And what didn’t help is the fact that I always find it hard to open up to women.

Answer:

Sex per se is NOT a sin! In fact there is no REAL sin in the world! The only thing we CAN term sin, and even THEN the word “sin” is a BIG word, is when we deliberately and willfully act AGAINST what our hearts are telling us! So we may well ask, “What then IS all this business about sex being a sin?”

When sex is an EXPRESSION of the true UNITY between male and female it is an act of DIVINE AT-ONE, and hardly a sin! But the problem is that MOSTLY this never happens! Men and women, in general, just want to get their rocks off, and therefore USE and ABUSE each other for their own sexual gratification! So, you know, it goes something like this: Boy meets girl. Boy and girl have the hots for one another, and so say to each other, “I LURVE you, let’s go make LURVE!” LOL! How one MAKES love I have absolutely NO idea, but you know what I mean, don’t you?

So the question you need to ask yourself is whether or not you WANT a wife, a partner for LIFE? Or whether you just want good old fashioned sex? There is really NO point in making this any more complicated than this! But once again, even here the problem lies in that MOST people WANT a READY-MADE relationship. People do NOT want to work HARD at BUILDING a fulfilling and meaningful relationship. So boy meets girl, and for a while boy and girl get on REALLY well, in that they SHARE a lot, there is MUCH warmth between them, and the sex is FANTASTIC! LOL! But then they start to hit the bumps in the journey, and they don’t like it one bit! So up they jump and shout, “Enough! I am already OUT of here!” And they rush off to find a replacement partner! And then the story REPEATS itself! Kind of boringly so, but it repeats itself anyway, over and over again!

So why did you feel like a sinner? Well from what I have just shared it should now be clear – you never DID want to COMMIT yourself for life to any one woman, but still you enjoyed the “sweeties” when they were offered, not so? LOL!

The reason why you find it difficult to open up to the females you interact with is because YOU are still NOT clear as to your OWN MOTIVE for wanting to interact with them. You are always so WARM and with a HUGE open smile on your face! But the moment one starts to interact with you one can just FEEL you have an agenda! It feels like you are about to SEDUCE one! LOL!

Relevant Courses:

Relationships III – Investing Responsibly in a Permanent Relationship

Journey of Adjustment – Relationships in General